Jokes And Anecdotes
My Kid
Bobby came home from school one day with a note from his teacher requesting a teacher’s conference. Bobby’s father, a lawyer in the community, arranged for the meeting and arrived at the duly appointed time.
“I am concerned,” said the teacher, “about Bobby’s view of you.” “What do you mean?” asked Bobby's dad. “Well," replied the teacher, "we had a day where the children got up before the class and told what their parents did for a living. When Bobby got up, he said you were a piano player in a whorehouse.” “Oh!” exclaimed (a much relieved) Bobby’s dad. "Actually I’m a lawyer -- but who can tell a little kid something like that?”
Rats & Lawyers
Apparently, some testing laboratories are beginning to use lawyers as test subjects. It seems that there are some things that even rats won’t do.
Beaten at Trial
Under the Rules of Civil Procedure, a deposition can be used for any purpose. During a trial, the defendant fell asleep at the counsel table. The opposing lawyer, obviously not impressed, requested permission from the court to use the deposition transcript to wake her opponent’s client. The court, after carefully reviewing the rule, granted the request -- after which the lawyer rolled the transcript up and smacked the man over the head rousting him from his slumber.
Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer:
In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand, a grand motherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said: "If either of you SOBs asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your butts in jail for contempt."
More Reasons for Never Asking the Obvious
One of the cardinal rules of cross-examination is never to ask the obvious question. During a criminal trial where the victim had his ear bitten off by the alleged perpetrator, the defense lawyer had the following cross-examination of a witness to the sordid event:
Q: So, where were you when the fight started?
A: I was in the bar with a couple of friends.
Q: How long did you remain in there?
A: For a few minutes after they started arguing.
Q: Did you actually see the fight start?
A: No, I was inside still.
Q: Could you see them when they were fighting outside?
A: Well, I could see shadows.
Q: Only shadows, why?
A: They were across the street.
Q: Under a streetlight?
A: No, there is no light there.
Q: Was there any light at all?
A: No, where they were was pretty dark. I could hear them, but I couldn’t see real clear.
Q: Did you see either of them strike each other?
A: No.
Q: Did you see my client bite the other man?
A: No.
Q: Then how can you say that my client bit off the ear of Mr. X?
A: Because I saw him spit it out!
Never Leave 'Em Unattended
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial.
The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....
Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"
A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."
Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"
A: "The officer who responded to the scene."
Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"
A: "Yes, sir. With my life."
Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"
A: "Yes sir, we do!"
Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"
A: "Yes sir, I do."
Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"
A: "Yes sir."
Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"
A: "Well, you see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."
The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
14 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity at Work
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask “Do you want fries with that?”
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. (Bring your camera.)
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling diamonds".
7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy".
8. Don't use any punctuation in your memos and letters.
9. Five days in advance, tell your boss you can't attend the mandatory meeting because you're not in the mood.
10. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, “Rock Bottom.”
11. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
12. Tell your children over dinner "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
13. Finally, smile. Don't sweat the small stuff if you can help it; if you can’t help it, scream when you’re alone and get it out.
14. It's all called therapy.
Interesting Anecdotes on the origins of legal phrases:
Naked Truth: This comes from an ancient mythological tale about Truth and Falsehood skinny-dipping. When Falsehood left the water, she decided to cloak herself in Truth’s clothing so as to appear to be Truth -- and then left. When Truth came out of the water, she saw that Falsehood’s clothes that were all there was, but rather than clothe herself in Falsehood’s clothes, she chose to walk to town naked. Hence the term “Naked Truth.”
Hold your water: This hails from Greek origin. In ancient Greece, trials were actually competing oratory, each side being given an allotted amount of time to speak. This was measured by water dripping from a goatskin filled with water. When a speaker needed time “off the clock” so to speak, he would request the timekeeper to “hold his water.”
Before the bar: This has its roots in England, where much of our common law can be traced. Courtrooms were separated into two distinct areas: the gallery was located in the back of the courtroom and was separated by a railing or a bar from the area where the judges and barristers worked. If you were a lawyer representing a client in a case before the court, you were “before the bar” -- or in the courtroom.
Seizin: This is an old property term, again from England. Before the days of deeds and titles, when a person transferred property to another, they would actually grab and handful of dirt and hand it to the person to whom the property was been given. Once the dirt was in the hands transferred, he was “seized” of the property.
Brief: Formerly: a quick outline for the judge prior to hearing a case. Currently when used as "dispositive brief": often an enormous piece of writing in which all of the facts have to be laid out and one must win prior to trial because the judge may fact-find as a juror before letting the case even get to a jury; i.e., another and informal way in which juries are side-stepped possibly. As noted elsewhere in this site, the Bureau of Labor Statistics for 2002-2003 showed that of all tort (injury, including employment) cases filed in civil court, over 80 percent are tossed out by judges prior to getting to a trial. About 16 percent of the rest settle or are arbitrated. Only 2 percent ever make it to a jury, with a high chance of any verdict won by a plaintiff being overturned on appeal. Few people realize the hard legal truths about the whittling away of the American civil legal system by special interests who control federal judicial appointments and skew state judicial elections, both at the trial and appellate levels.
